I'm Really Scared

About 5+ years ago I was diagnosed with "Major Depression". I didn't really know what it meant. I was also called chronic. Here is how I found this out:

I was going through a very rough time in my marraige and I kept thinking about suicide so I stopped by my family doctor and discussed this with him. I told him the plans that had gone through my mind. I had told him that while I was having these thoughts, I really did not want to do it. I told him I needed help. Needless to say, I spent that night, and a few more, in a psych ward for those with mental illness that may hurt themselves or others. That's a story for another time and another place.

Don't get me wrong. I am very greatful to my family doctor and he knows it. He probably did save my life. This was how I found out I had "Chronic Major Depression".

Well...It was only chronic while I was there at the hospital. Once I was no longer chronic (in other words, once I was safe to be on my own) I was no longer considered "Chronic". Although my diagnosis was still "Major Depression".

It was at that time I started taking Paxil. In the last 6 months I have switched to Effexor because Paxil seemed to just keep me even. I had not improved. I had not gotten worse. It was time to try something different. When it comes to marinating your brain, it really is just trial and error. You have to balance how the drugs make you feel in regards to your depression with how they make you feel in all other regards. Trial and Error.

During the entire time I kept thinking "I can get over this with the help of some medicine. The medicine will cure me". Nope! The medicine just allows you to have some control over your thought processes. It's a treatment....Not a cure! It's taken me just over 5 years to understand this.

I know. I know. Everywhere you read about depression, it will tell you that meds alone will not get you very far. Well, I am bull headed and thought I could do it on my own. I think I am learning differently. I'm thick....Dense even. I am not completely stupid. I do try to learn from my mistakes.

So now I am in search of a counselor to start some talk therapy and learn some techniques for digging myself out of this depression (or hole, whichever one you want to call it). That is why I called this "DigginUp". Maybe...One Day...I might be able to give up the meds and cope with things on my own. Maybe not....We will see. That is a goal of mine though. I don't care too much for the meds. i don't care too much about having to be dependent on something like meds to just cope with things.

Gotta talk to my family doctor about this and get me a referral or two. I always want options and want to know a great deal of detail about a treatment. I think the same will be true for selecting a counselor.

This is really scary stuff for me. It helps me to cope and keep moving forward by writing it all out like this. Those that don't suffer from an illness like this may find it hard to understand. Those that do suffer from an illness like this might understand. Everyone is different. One day, maybe I'll understand.

Welcome and follow along. I figure it's going to be quite a ride for me.