Feelin' Good

Been feeling good these last few days. I did call the doctor about a referral. Not until Friday. I should hear back from him on Monday.

Painted the Middle One's bedroom this weekend. It's going to be nice. At least, for her. This is part her birthday present. I can't imagine...When I was turning 10 years old, I sure didn't think about getting new bedspread, curtains, and walls for my birthday. She always seems so mature for her age.

I think the painting made me feel better. If it wasn't just the activity of doing it with my wife and kids, it could have been the paint fumes. What ever it was, it's been a really good couple of days (two coats of paint). I think it made the Wife happy that I was helping her do it. I think it surprised her I did (I am not sure why it surprised her since I had told her I would help). Since she was happier, I was happier.

The Oldest One went on "midnight shift". Don't get to see her online near as much. She starts in the evening and doesn't get off work until early morning. Oh well...Maybe what I can do is start getting up earlier and make sure I chat with her for a little while. I don't usually say too much but I like listening/hearing/reading from her (whatever it is when you communicate with IM).

Went 4-wheeling with the Little One today while Wife and Middle One was in town. We ended up riding over to grandma's house. Took a ride with grandpa down to the river bottoms to check out the drainage in the fields. Everything looked pretty good overall. Going to be a lot of corn for grandpa to combine.

Hopefully start the new therapy next week. Still scared. But feelin' so good right now that I don't care. I'll deal with it. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe finding out something about myself I might not wanted to know. I think it scares me that I may not be able to learn to cope with the stresses of life appropriately and will suffer the rest of my life like this. Hope not. We'll see.

Procrastination

I wonder if everyone with depression are procrastinators? I still have not called my doctor for referalls. My wife reminded me tonight that he is out of the office tomorrow. Now it will be Friday before I can get a referral.

I am going to call tomorrow and talk to the nurse and see if she'll have him set this up for me by early Friday so that I can ask some questions of a couple of possible counselors. They won't even allow me to ask any questions without a referral.

OK. I have now committed to a date about calling...NO MORE PROCRASTINATING!

I'm Really Scared

About 5+ years ago I was diagnosed with "Major Depression". I didn't really know what it meant. I was also called chronic. Here is how I found this out:

I was going through a very rough time in my marraige and I kept thinking about suicide so I stopped by my family doctor and discussed this with him. I told him the plans that had gone through my mind. I had told him that while I was having these thoughts, I really did not want to do it. I told him I needed help. Needless to say, I spent that night, and a few more, in a psych ward for those with mental illness that may hurt themselves or others. That's a story for another time and another place.

Don't get me wrong. I am very greatful to my family doctor and he knows it. He probably did save my life. This was how I found out I had "Chronic Major Depression".

Well...It was only chronic while I was there at the hospital. Once I was no longer chronic (in other words, once I was safe to be on my own) I was no longer considered "Chronic". Although my diagnosis was still "Major Depression".

It was at that time I started taking Paxil. In the last 6 months I have switched to Effexor because Paxil seemed to just keep me even. I had not improved. I had not gotten worse. It was time to try something different. When it comes to marinating your brain, it really is just trial and error. You have to balance how the drugs make you feel in regards to your depression with how they make you feel in all other regards. Trial and Error.

During the entire time I kept thinking "I can get over this with the help of some medicine. The medicine will cure me". Nope! The medicine just allows you to have some control over your thought processes. It's a treatment....Not a cure! It's taken me just over 5 years to understand this.

I know. I know. Everywhere you read about depression, it will tell you that meds alone will not get you very far. Well, I am bull headed and thought I could do it on my own. I think I am learning differently. I'm thick....Dense even. I am not completely stupid. I do try to learn from my mistakes.

So now I am in search of a counselor to start some talk therapy and learn some techniques for digging myself out of this depression (or hole, whichever one you want to call it). That is why I called this "DigginUp". Maybe...One Day...I might be able to give up the meds and cope with things on my own. Maybe not....We will see. That is a goal of mine though. I don't care too much for the meds. i don't care too much about having to be dependent on something like meds to just cope with things.

Gotta talk to my family doctor about this and get me a referral or two. I always want options and want to know a great deal of detail about a treatment. I think the same will be true for selecting a counselor.

This is really scary stuff for me. It helps me to cope and keep moving forward by writing it all out like this. Those that don't suffer from an illness like this may find it hard to understand. Those that do suffer from an illness like this might understand. Everyone is different. One day, maybe I'll understand.

Welcome and follow along. I figure it's going to be quite a ride for me.